My view on Facebook

It can be great.
It can be fun.
It can be helpful.
It can be entertaining.


But it can be poison.


Let me just explain by thoughts. You log on, scroll down your news feed, and see what? I'd go out on a limb to say 90% drama (or drama waiting to happen).


It is exhausting to see that day after day. So for the past two or three weeks I have barely even looked at my Facebook. Sure, I'm missing the latest "gossip" but I also mentally feel a lot better.


Now, I'm here to tell you I have been a Facebook junkie for a looooooong time. I remember when only colleges had Facebook. (Does that show my age?)
I remember waiting on my acceptance letter to Ole Miss just so I could set up my Facebook account like some of my other friends.


Yes, really.


But fast forward to today and now any and everyone is allowed to create an account. Is that cool? In ways. But it also just adds fuel to the fire too.


I go through my friends list quite often and delete people. That sounds mean but I just simply don't want a certain number of "friends". I want my FRIENDS. Ya know? I already have plans to do another major clean up soon as I am done with this post. And some of the ones getting marked off might surprise you. And them.


I HATE to bring this up, but I have to in order to explain why I am babbling on about Facebook. Some of you remember about a year ago when I was literally in tears and mentally exhausted. My ex (who was referred to as the Scumbag on here) had me just about ready to pull my hair out. Thankfully, God finally gave me my break and let that part of my life end.


And that's where you all know B walked into my life and it's been great ever since. Old attitudes, confidence, and the thirst for love and a life with someone are back strong.


Well, of course, I deleted the ex on Facebook a long time ago. And I have never once regretted that decision. It made my life SO much easier than seeing his constant latest stunts. I deleted all people associated with him except his mom and sister.


Why? You might ask. Tammy and Bridgett were there for me when he was slamming doors in my face and chasing me down to cuss me over something simple. They saw the hurt, the abuse, the pain. They were the only ones who truly understood what he was putting me through.


But they were so much more than that. The three of us went on two vacations together last year and countless weekends together. They were just my friends. They were the closest friends I had around here that wanted to go shopping, etc. We had a bond completely outside of Scumbag. It sucked that they WERE related to him, but I never tried to regret that because had it not been for my mistake in meeting him then I would have never re-met them. (yes, re-met... Long story.)


I loved Tammy, Bridgett, and Landin (Bridgett's little boy) like they were my own family. I still do. But I made a VERY hard decision early into mine and B relationship. I do still talk to them, but nothing at all like we used to.


That is harder for me than I think anyone has realized. And to most I think it would sound crazy to miss your ex's family that much. But they weren't and never will be "his family" to me. They are MY FRIENDS. Even during all the confusion with him, we barely talked about him and we for sure don't now.


He is dead to me. He hurt me enough for my soul to not recognize him at all now. He means nothing at all to me. And I can't even now understand how he ever did.


So, back to Facebook.. Well I remained friends with his mom and sister although I could count on one hand how many times we have talked in the last 4-5 months. Our relationship is gone. The one we had. And yes, it makes me sad to know I lost two really good friends to me. But I gained something I'd trade the world for- B.


No, he never once asked me to not be their friend or talk to them. He isn't that type of person. I did that all on my own because I knew it would be confusing and hurtful to a degree to him. So I gave it up. No Facebook messages, wall writing, texting, visits.. Nothing. I have seen Tammy twice since B and I started dating and one of those he was with me to meet her himself.


It's been hard. Really, really hard in ways to lose two friends. I have never had a WHOLE lot of friends anyway, not the real kind (outside of my childhood friends I am STILL close with- thanks girls!!) so losing one is hard to do.


But I have made it. A new life opened before me and I have took it and ran with it. And I love my life with B. Seriously love my moments with him. He has held my soul this whole time and I don't think he even knows how much.


But yesterday I did something hurtful. To catch you up to speed, Scumbag now has a baby. It was just born a few weeks ago so of course the pictures and bragging are still flowing heavy on Facebook. Tammy is thrilled to be grandma again and Bridgett is thrilled to be an aunt for the first time. And I am happy they get those moments.


Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I am happy for him and happy he has a baby because I fear for that child's future with him as a father but I like seeing MY FRIENDS happy about something I know they have waited on.


However, I have not even told either one of them congrats or anything. Haven't even spoken to them since his birth. And that's because that is outside of me. They know how bad he hurt me and we just DO NOT talk about him or the past at all. It hasn't been my place to comment on the baby. So I haven't.


Yesterday Tammy was posting pictures on Facebook. Now keep in mind, I haven't been on her page in months. The only pictures I even see are the ones that post in my news feed. I've seen some and yes, the baby is cute and I am happy for her but I have never liked a picture or commented at all.


Anyway, yesterday..she posted a picture of her and Landin. I liked it.


She posted a picture of the new baby. And I liked it. Not because it's his baby. Not because I just liked it. Because it was funny. The little baby was posing how some newborns do and it was just a simply cute picture. I liked how the baby itself was posed, not who he is or who he belongs to or what that person did to me.

But B saw that picture and it has hurt his feelings.  And I can totally see why.  If the roles were reversed and he liked a picture of his ex's baby then I'd be sad and hurt too.  But that's where Tammy and myself's relationship is different and confusing for most.  I don't see Scumbag's baby when I see a picture of him, I see Tammy's new grandbaby. 

I should have never liked the picture and do regret that with all my heart.  But I can only do so much to take it back now.  I went and "unliked" the picture and have apologized to B a 1000 times.  I know it doesn't take the hurt back or the pain.  For that I'm sorry.  But I never did it intentionally to hurt anyone at all.  I know it's a far cry to grasp.  Being that good of friends with your ex's family is just not the normal for a reason.  And that's exactly why I let that life go.  Because I have MY life now.  My future with B to think about. 

So, what to do now is the question on my mind.  I know I'm getting a distance between myself and Facebook itself.  I considered de-activating it for awhile, but that really isn't a good solution for right now.  My class reunion is coming up in the few months and a lot of the communication for that is being done via Facebook, so I don't want to miss any of that. 

And I still have those friends that post pictures of their babies that I don't ever get to see, so that allows me to still be a "part" of their lives.  And for that I'm grateful and that's what is keeping me on Facebook.  Because it's just drama.  I know living in a small-town that's what is bound to be alive, but I just get so tired of seeing it all. Facebook USED to be fun.  But now it's just who can hook up with who, and who got drunk and did what, or who is mad at who now. 

I'm over it.

So, if you are my friend on Facebook, then don't think anything of my post today.  I'm not mad at any one person.. just taking a major breather from the whole thing.  I want to get back to my REAL friends and family and not those that live in my phone.. ya know?  Life is way too short to stay bent out of shape over little things.  And I've lost enough time wasted on the losers I have dated and wasted good time and energy on.  I'm just trying to focus on the here and now and my future with B.